Worry and the Nine of Swords

Women’s walking trail at Dhamma Karuṇā Vipassana Meditation Center in Alberta, Canada

I just got home from a long silent meditation sit in Alberta. Many hours of sitting, many days of silence, many days of building awareness. As I was sitting on my cushion one morning an image popped into my head.

It was an old version of me. A very old version of me. Sitting reclined on a big green chair saying “I wish I had worried less.”

I sat with that image and felt into it.

It was true.

I am worrier.

About everything and anything. About myself, about others. About my community, my country, my continent, my planet.

It seems that in worrying I am under the impression that I am “doing” something about the situation.

As the saying goes, “Stay vigilant”

And yes, there is importance in remaining alert, aware and attentive. Ready to jump into action if needed.

And yet, existing this way is also utterly exhausting. As if you are constantly on the battlefield, waiting for someone to relieve you of your watch duty so you may rest.

It wasn’t right in that moment, but over the course of my time at the center, when worry would creep into my brain, I would access the 90 year old version of me and listen to her.

“Worry Less.”

As a Tarot reader it brought to mind the 9 of Swords, and how much this card represents the spectrum of worry to anxiety, where if we are lucky, we are able to ask ourselves, “How did I lose the thread? How did I get here?”

 Earthy Artwork from Majo’s Tarotcard Tarot of the Garden Tokyo Tarot Museum

Most of the time when I have pulled the 9 of Swords, I am already in such a state of worry that I have reached the point of no return.

Yet when this card appears I know it is a sign for me to stop and breathe.

To look around and see that I am not in fact being hunted by a lion.

Literally and metaphorically.

That I am safe and whatever has taken control of my mind is of my own creation.

I asked myself…

What would it feel like to replace “I’m worried about_______” with “I’m concerned about __________” as words and sounds hold vibrations which are felt in our bodies.

So far, this semantic replacement feels right for me and I will continue to use this until it is time for something new to take its place.

And in case you too can relate to this or find yourself in a state of worry

An affirmation from the 14th Century Mystic, Julian of Norwich” :

“All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well”

With Peace and Metta,

Kati